"For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen"

It's been awhile
I'm super depressed-- stress+ applications I guess.

What triggers depression? I mean really? I am so freakin' sick of having this disease. I guess it's really frustrating at the moment because I've been doing so well and it just fell apart.

I saw the episode of Monk where he takes some meds and gets tripped out becoming "The Monk" and he talks about how great it is to feel normal. That really resonated with me. I'm tired of collapsing.

Terry Pratchett has a character that becomes a zombie and dwells on how that character has to manually operate his body-- nothing comes naturally anymore. That's how I feel in comparison to a person without depression-- someone I constantly think of as "normal".

I have to manually walk my mind through emotional lows... I won't just bounce up. I have a myriad of "tricks" at this point to get myself going when I'm in a rough patch. I hate this. I HATE IT.

"And what's this fish doing in my ear?"-- Arthur Dent

It's been a bit since I last posted but that's because things have been even crazier than usual.

Maggie passed away last week due to advanced pancreatic cancer. It was a total shock but then again it wasn't... we knew that she was getting old and that it was just a matter of time. Her quality of life was also deteriorating...

Still. I can't believe that I've lost yet another significant person in my life. I've yet to even begin to get over loosing my uncle so suddenly in May and now I have to deal with loosing Maggie.

I guess with both deaths there is a lot of regret over leaving CA for so long. I missed out on so much with both of them. I never got to see one of my uncle's shows... I barely herded with Maggie...

Then again I know both of them loved me very much and were happy that I was happy. If I had stayed in CA I wouldn't have met Alec and that would have been a huge loss.


Love you both...

"Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I?"--The Surprised Sperm Whale

I'm dizzy. Physically but mostly mentally. I'm rapidly moving up the chain at J Crew-- I'm good at sales-- it's in the blood what can I say? And I'm starting to feel separated from my PhD-self. I've been working on my writing sample which def helps but it feels really weird to be good at two things as different as retail sales and political science. Although I could make the strong case that they are very similar-- I approach both looking at them as problems to be solved by understanding the specific goals of the individuals involved.
Okay so I guess it makes sense in my mind BUT it's still quite confusing.
I JUST WANT TO BE IN A PHD PROGRAM!
Yet the success I'm getting is immediate recognition in my new retail job while my PhD success is buried underneath numerous hoops through which I must still jump.
It's so frustrating to sit down with my writing sample and personal statement and realize that what I write directly impacts my future. Obviously I can't let myself follow that train of thought but it's there just the same.
Hopefully I don't have to work this afternoon because Alec and I are hoping to go hiking and that would really help to clear my mind.

"You guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off."-- Zaphod

Sigh

So I'm sitting in the UVA law library watching Psych on netflix while Alec is in class. This is what my life has become.

I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself-- I was working for about 2.5 hrs on my personal statement and my writing sample for my PhD applications. It's so frustrating to be doing this again.

"Why do you need to think? Can't we just sit and go budumbudumbudum with our lips for a bit?"-- Arthur Dent

You know that Staples commercial with the red "easy"button? Person 1 has some office supplies crisis "OMG must find 100 reams of pink polka dotted paper by 2pm today!" and then the camera cuts to person 2 who, with a hint of a smirk pushes the red button and says "that was easy".

This specific ad campaign has been around for several years now and Staples actually sells those red buttons at their stores. It speaks to that inner sense that there really should be an "easy" button in life. That sense is at the heart of most commercial campaigns now that I think about it.

In priceline commercials, the scene opens with a frustrated person about to give up on their vacation plans but then its Captain Kirk (aka William Shatner) to the rescue! The whole point is that the average person should be able to take a weekend vacation for far less than the advertised price-- you deserve it.

This pervasive belief that there should be a shortcut yields both spectacular inventions in time saving (microwaves, washer/dryers, highspeed rail) along with horrific failures such as Madoff who believed that he found a way to make money with that "easy" button.

Pardon my ramblings... I woke up freaking out about facing yet another day of trying to handle my student loans and then turned on my laptop only to read hopeless news story after news story. If only there was an "easy" button.

"Oh no, not again"-- bowl of petunias falling towards Magrathea

Money...
it's the key to freedom-- and you don't realize it until you don't have any.
Just started my job at J Crew so hopefully things will turn around soon. But at the moment it feels like I'm just getting further into the hole- it really is a vicious circle.

Anyways enough of whining. Things will be okay, I'm sure-- I mean it really has to be I guess.

Not really sure where I was going with this post :-p actually... so I guess I'd better end it now.

...

"Life, Don't talk to me about life"-- Marvin the paranoid android

Life does not go according to plan
This is a tough thing for me to admit but given the events of the past month there is no point in denying it.
30 days ago I was planning to move up to Santa Cruz, CA to start my PhD. Alec and I were going to be living 3,000 mi apart and we had spent the entire summer fighting nay-sayers of this plan. It all seemed so right and yet it was SO wrong.
I'm a dedicated student and I never fail to impress those with whom I come into contact within an academic space. So why should I go to a program that only offers TWO courses during a quarter-neither of which apply to my sub-field? Why should I break my heart by moving away from Alec?
The answer became obvious-- I shouldn't.
It was the hardest choice I've ever had to make. I decided to move to Charlottesville, VA and take a year off between my MA and PhD. I have no regrets, I love every minute of it here aside from the looming threat of student loans, begging for hours at my new job, and plunging once more into the application abyss.
But I know it was the right choice.
I'm not sure what the future holds. But I know that pursuing something better is worth the uncertainty.